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The third sample lacks cohesiveness, a thesis statement, and organization.The sentences read like a shotgun spray of facts and descriptions that give no direction to the reader of the writer’s approach: how he or she will use the elements and details listed to prove a thesis.Clear organization, specific support, and full explanations or discussions are three critical components of high-scoring essays.
The specificity of the details in the introduction shows that the writer is in control, with phrases like “frequent alliteration,” “off-kilter rhyme”, and “diction evoking an almost spiritual level of power”. The mid-range B essay introduction also cites some specific details in the poem, like “visual imagery (of the juggler and his balls), figurative language (the personification of the balls interacting with the juggler), and tone (the playful mood of the first two stanza)”.
However, the writer wastes space and precious time (five whole lines! The mid-range answer also doesn’t give the reader an understanding of an overarching thesis that he or she will use the elements and devices to support, merely a reference to the speaker’s “attitude”.
Then, the writer wraps up the first point about description, devices, and elements by concluding that the unusual rhyme scheme echoes the unusual feat of juggling and controlling the mood of the crowd.
With a clear focus on attaching devices to individually quoted phrases and poem details, the student leads the reader through the first pass at proving the attitude of the poem’s speaker while commenting on possible meanings the tone, attitude, and devices suggest.
The writer does this by noting how alliteration appears when the juggler performs, but not before.
The student also notes how the mood and connection to the crowd cohere when the juggler juggles, the balls defying gravity and uplifting the crowd with the balls.
To sum up, make introductions brief and compact, using specific details from the poem and a clear direction that address the call of the prompt. Short, choppy, disconnected sentences make an incoherent, unclear paragraph.
Don’t waste time on sentences that don’t do the work ahead for you. The A answer first supports the thesis by pointing out that alliteration and rhyme scheme depict the mood and disconnection of both the speaker and the crowd.
Again, the student uses clear, logical, and precise quotes and references to the poem without wasting time on unsupported statements. For example, the student identifies the end rhyme as an unusual effect that mimics the unusual and gravity-defiant balls.
Tying up the first paragraph, the student then goes on to thoroughly explain the connection between the cited rhyme scheme, the unique defiance of gravity, and the effect on the speaker.